Major Discovery: Eating Candy and Cookies Increases Your Weight

By wordpress - Last updated: Sunday, August 29, 2010 - Save & Share - Leave a Comment

I haven’t done a good job of keeping up this blog but to bring you up to date, after weeks of staying a steady 280 pounds, I finally lost about eight more in a matter of days. Mostly working at clearing weeds (that’s hard work!) So there I am, a slim 272 pounds. (Hey, from where I came from (300 pounds), it does look slim.) So, I’m feeling great and looking forward to getting into the two-sixties. All is going well except… I’m at this trade show, for three days, with cookies and candy, right at my finger tips. Bored, bored, eat candy, bored, bored, eat cookie. Promise not to eat any more. Watch fat fannies go by and really promise not to eat any more. Bored, bored, eat candy, bored, bored, eat cookie. Realize that that is probably not going to help me get my weight down so, instead of eating another cookie, I go down the hall and get a free yogurt. AS IF THAT HAS NEGATIVE CALORIES! Then, when the show closes, I go out and eat a late night meal. Three days of this and, guess what? I gained six pounds. How is that possible? Ah, eating cookies and candy, doofus.

What a strange vehicle we all live in! I watched thousands of people go by at the trade show and I would guess about ninety-five percent needed to lose at least some weight. The other five percent were genetically deficient. One twenty-something young lady walked by who had a waist about the size of my biceps. How that made it out of the gene pool escapes me. Can you imagine? There she is on the savannah plains and hasn’t eaten for two hours. She would have starved to death! She has no reserves whatsoever. Then there’s breeding. I can see an early man negotiating with her dad… “Let me get this straight, you want two of my cows for that bag of bones for which I will have to slaughter two more cows just to get enough meat on her so I can find her? Ah, no thanks. I’ll take the one in the kitchen with the two cookies in her mouth. If she knows how to make candy, I’ll up the offer to three cows.” There is no way that DNA structure would have survived. It’s got to be a recent mutation.

So here we are in a world where you can buy cookies and candy in thousands of flavors at millions of places, living in a body that thinks it’s going to starve to death at any minute. We don’t even have to climb a tree to get the goods! It’s so depressing I think I’ll eat another Tootsie Roll. Maybe that’s not such a good idea. The challenge for today is to not eat another sugar, flour and lard concoction.

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